It’s not too often that I am stuck for words but listening to Boris Johnson’s announcement in the House of Commons temporarily left me just so this afternoon. Not because I hadn’t anticipated what was coming (the conversations I’ve been having with my NHS clients in recent days had already alerted me to that), nor was it his characteristic style of delivery. Months of being exasperated by the soundbites and ‘world-class’ spins have rather inured me to this sadly; but instead it was more to do with how I felt about the prospect of a further six months in semi-lockdown.
I simply couldn’t find the words to express this. So instead I chose to listen. To listen with all my senses and use the ensuing silence to reflect. In the end I heard that what I really needed was compassion and an act of kindness towards the part of me that was feeling pretty vulnerable in that moment, and as a result I decided to ditch the desk and head for the beach, which as you probably know by now is the problem-solving office in my world.
As I walked I was reminded of how important silence and taking time to listen are to the quality of all our conversations, but in particular when they may be difficult or we have to break bad news to someone. Yet these are just the things we seem to struggle with the most.
It’s fair to say this shows up in pretty much all of my difficult conversations workshops when we get into the thick of role plays. Participants fear or try to avoid silence at all costs. As Nancy Kline says ‘…it’s as if this fear may come from being taught that the [client’s] silence signals the end of their thinking and a need to be rescued’. Instead we jump right in or panic about what to say or do next. And each time I endeavour to get participants to reframe the silence and listening they are doing as an opportunity to give the other ‘thinking time’, a space to absorb, reflect and consider what they might need in that moment from us or indeed from themselves; precisely what I found myself doing this afternoon.
These coming weeks are likely to see many more leaders having to engage in just such difficult conversations or breaking bad news. If you are one of these you could do worse than practise being stuck for words and let the silence do the work; you might just find the answer in there as to what you need to do next.
